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Irrefutable evidence

A partially-flighted ratite has been reported from dense Fiordland rainforest. Scientist Dr B. M. Valentine made the discovery last week after hearing a doubtful sound which he rushed to investigate. ‘My first thought was that this was the squawk of the kiwi,’ he recalled, ‘and that was reinforced when I spied a hairy creature eating, rooting and leaving’. Raising his telephone to his blind eye, he next saw it perched in a rimu and was shocked when it alighted and glided a short distance on its stubby wings.

‘My first thought was that I would be categorised as a nut cake along with the believers of the Bealy Pub moa hoax, New Zealand otter or the Kaimanawa wall. But as a scientist I have a duty to report what I see and quite frankly I’m struggling. The individual bird may be a genetic aberration (or throwback) whereby previous traits of a species re-emerge generations later’. Dr Valentine stressed that his evening meal of forest-floor mushrooms had enhanced his eyesight, rather than causing any ill-effects after the fits had passed.

Global warming is likely to be implicated as native species adapt more rapidly to a changing environment. He felt that it ‘was a real kick in the teeth for creationists. Evolutionary pressures for these birds to fly are very strong. Introduced mustelids have now been here for hundreds of years – natural selection would favour those individuals that had some ability to to avoid predation.’ On reflection, Dr Valentine averred that the avian spectre ‘did not so much glide as plummet’ but this in no way compromised the validity of his observation.

When contacted today Valentine was planning a return trip to the area armed with a digital video. His evidence so far consists of one grainy image taken on his cellphone. A scientific paper will be forthcoming. Wiping the spittle from his foam-flecked lips, Dr Valentine gleefully observed that ‘that f****ng Te Ara is going to have to rewrite all its entries now’. Sic transit gloria mundi.

He said the kiwi was delicious.